Starting next Monday, I'm going to go on a vacation, but the catch is, I'm not going to go anywhere.  Trust me, this is necessary.

My life has been a whirlwind shitfest for the last few weeks on so many levels.  It's been fun and has had it's ups and downs.  There's been nothing wrong with me, but there has been everything wrong with, how should I say this, the way I've been "conducting my business".  It's always been my policy to keep up with my friends who are important to me, no matter how inconvenient it is to see them.  This is important to me because certain people are like family to me, and friendship on every level is something that requires maintaining.  But lately, it seems as I'm juggling too many balls, or have too many people that I need to be there for, and that something is bound to drop and break.  That something is me.

My school term ended in mid-May, and I had barely two weeks "off" before my rigorous 10 hour per week Anatomy class started.  On top of that, in the time I was supposed to be working long days and stockpiling money with my open availability, I haven't been working a lot because of many commitments.  My sister graduated with a Masters in Social Studies Education and since I missed her Rutgers graduation, I made every effort to come to her middle of the week graduation, even though it meant an 11-hour work week.  Then there was the anime convention, which is the only thing I really did for myself, but really, it was the only weekend I've hung out with Marge in ages.  Because of our schedules and lifestyles, we see each other less than ever, which is terribly ironic since we work together.  It's really awful since his friendship is important, and is a huge pillar/equalizer/stabilizer in my life.  And seeing him at work, where we put our game-faces on, just isn't the same.  All the while, even though everyone knew I was away, I was getting a slough of texts wondering where I am and when I could make plans with them.  Too much micromanaging in my head got stressful.

Then the following week was Memorial Day week, which meant a cut in hours anyway, so a 19-hour work week.  So basically, I've accrued 30 hours for the paycheck I'm getting this Friday, all which is going towards my rent and utilities.  That's really nothing at all since my tips have been going to feed me and they've been so little lately, and without that extra income I'm making only $10 an hour.  I'm trying very hard to not ask my mother for my income tax refund which she set aside so graciously especially since she's been so nice in giving me money when I'm not asking for it.  It isn't fair to her, and it isn't like me to ask for that kind of help without feeling terribly guilty inside.

My mental health has been subpar to my standards recently.  I'm still more than stable as a person, but my weird work schedule and all this planning has led me to really almost snap under the pressure.  My life has always been high-pressure and I operate best under some level of stress, but what's been going on has been really ridiculous.  I have to deal with my problems and a lot of friends have been coming to me for advice or help or assistance of some sort lately, and I can't help but feel empathy towards them.  My house has been a revolving door of visitors.  I love company, and I love people, which is why I consciously moved into a house with five other roommates.  Still, I've had so many overnight guests in the past month that I cannot even count them.  And since I was raised to be a good host, and feel guilty that I'm never home because my balancing act never jives with people's schedules, I offer my food (which, since funded by few-and-far-between tips, is also few-and-far between) or other things like making time to entertain.  It's hard though, when you're pressed for money, and more importantly, time.  And it leads me to be a bad roommate.  My room is a hot mess and I have dishes to do.  Every time I come home there's another mean note for the house saying that dishes need to be done.  I can't help but feel that it's my responsibility.  On my days off, I've done dishes and the dishes of my roommates and the dishes of my guests and all the guests that come through, and all the pots and pans.  I catch up with friends I "neglect" throughout the week but feel as though people slip through the cracks.  Like, I haven't seen Wiebke in weeks, or Lauren Roy who needs the support system now that she's coming through the home stretch of her pregnancy.  Whitney works one fucking block away from where I live and I can't even find the time to see her.  I'm stable and I'm a pillar, yeah, but I'm wavering.  I don't expect people to help me, but no one offers it to me.  I offer if people don't ask, out of courtsey, but no one ever offers it even though I need it, even though they know me and see me every day stressed here or there.  So now I feel like I'm neglecting the most important people in my life who I want to be there for but no one will step up and offer to do anything for me.  Where are those people?  Where do I find them?  Why can't someone come to my house and help me with my dishes once in a while?  (Okay, so maybe that last example is way out there.)  And I know those dishes I feel guilty about aren't mine -- since I stockpile my dirty dishes in my room until I clean them myself to remind me to clean my room.  On every level, I feel abandoned in one way or another.  And I just feel like my contributions are not enough, whether it's the dishes or the cleaning or being home to hang out with my roommates who constantly adjust their schedules for me so I can catch a late movie with them or go to a social event where I can relax with them.  It's as if I'm being stretched too thin.

So the kicker was the fact I have to house another guest this weekend.  This guest I've been looking forward to forever, one of my best friends in the entire world, Krisa.  I barely saw Krisa when she was living in Boston because she and I were so busy.  Krisa was one of the only people who took care of me when I had no place to concretely live two summers ago (Kyle being the other one).  She took me in, no questions asked, and fed me, and made sure I had a place to go until my lease started.  Now she's inviting me to be her date to this wedding, which I'm completely psyched about.  The problem is, she'd be the ninth person staying at my house simultaneously.  NINTH.  For a six person apartment.  This is nobody's fault, but at the same time, it's become my problem; some of my roommates are already overwhelmed by the extras going on... things like toilet paper, paper towels, utilities, space, keysharing... that stuff adds up.  I already picked up extra hours (Read: I'm flirting with overtime, and that's not good... I have to do some minute watching and number crunching so I don't get my boss in trouble) so I don't fall behind on rent and utilities, but I feel as though I'm digging myself a hole, especially since all this "planning" is catching up to me.  I'm going to New York the weekend of the 19th, I'm going to see another concert in Boston on the 18th, etc.  I feel guilty for doing things for myself... and I shouldn't.  And now my alternate plan, the only one I can possibly think of doing... is to house Krisa and myself somewhere else, like a hotel or something, for the weekend.  I'd feel uncomfortable doing that to my roommates, even though I'm legit paying rent there, because they are legit paying rent there too and they deserve their space.

Really, it's nobody's fault.  Not even mine.  But for one week I just need to be left alone, and I need people to understand that.  I think people are inherently needy, some more than others, and right now, I'm needy for Juju-time.  So from Monday the 8th to the Monday after that, I'll be falling off the face of the planet.  No social networking save maybe this blog, since there was a point in time pre-Facebook and pre-Twitter where this was my only "social networking".  No texts, no phone calls, no plans.  I'll go to work and school still, but I really need to catch up on the stuff I have to do since I have made no concrete plans for next week.  Yes, that means no MSTRKRFT.  Yes, that means no drinking at bars.  But this is something I need to do.  I have a room that needs decorating and books that need reading and textbooks that need studying and boxes that (STILL) need unpacking and laundry that needs to get done and a bike that needs to be fixed and places that need to be seen and movies that need to be watched.  And I would like to do it peacefully, and alone.

This song is crack.  Bailey uploaded it to my Ipod when I was studying on a couch at her job on Monday, and I've been listening to it nonstop since.  It calmed me down during my Physics studying panic attacks, and it continuously makes me smile even when the weather's shitty or I've had a lousy day.  Ahhh, feel-good music.

Next up in my weekend of woo-hoos: Bar with Dench and Jim tonight (hopefully!), lots of dancing games.  "Hookers and blow in Hartford, CT" fell through, sadly, so all I have to look forward to is a tournament in Rhode Island on Saturday.  Sunday is a bit of R&R, Monday I'm working in the morning and studying for AN101.  I'm going to see if I can write my entire rough draft of my MMORPG paper on Sunday.  I'm salivating just thinking about how awesome this paper is going to be, and my TF is really excited too, since she's a bit older and fascinated with digital culture albeit not knowing tons about it.

"If you were falling, then I would catch you;
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cause I love the way you say "Good morning",
And you take me the way I am."

 

I'm late to class, which is in the next building over.  Knowing the Photonics building staff and old media formats like slideshows and (gasp!) VHSes, they probably haven't even started it yet.  Such is Intro to Cultural Anthropology.

Later.

Errrrruuurrrghhhhhrrrhhhrrhh.

This weekend was pretty damn sweet, even if I was quite under the weather the entire time.  I went to my cousin's in Sayreville on Saturday night and we watched Manny Pacquiao kick some Barrera butt in boxing, even though I don't watch boxing, nor do I really care for it.  Still, he's Filipino, so it's a big deal for us to be famous for something other than nurses and dancing prisoners, I guess.  I knocked back a few San Miguels with my awesome Uncle Rene while my cousin gave my mom a shot of Tequila after I fell asleep on the couch.  She didn't like the taste, and was kind of astounded and perhaps horrified at how my sister and I could explain so clearly the motions of how to properly take a tequila shot with salt and lime with such vivid descriptions.

Sunday was church, which was cool since the new assistant pastor dude is an absolutely amazing speaker, and twenty times better than the, "You're all going to hell if you support stem cell research!" deacon man.  Yeech.  You could see even the most conservative people kinda writhe in the heat with that guy around.  Afterwards, we headed to the Chinese buffet, which in my family is pretty much an event all the time.  Between my dad making ghetto lemonade iced tea out of lemons, Splenda, and Chinese tea and my mother trying to figure out the most efficient way to smuggle Chinese donuts in her bag, it's always a party with our family, that's for sure.  Sunday night I cooked for the family while Ja baked.

Monday was a lazy day, other than the fact I was dizzy and head cold-y the entire day.  I tried to bike around town, and now I am very aware as to why people warn me against bring just any bike up to Boston.  Mountain bikes, especially 15-year old cheap mountain bikes, are a force to be reckoned with.  Seriously, I would probably take less energy up walking while trying to get to my destination, and once you factor in the Charles River wind tunnels down Commonwealth Avenue... let's just say I'd probably scrap the bike in two days.  I ended up heading to the Hillsborough Starbucks to grab my markout because Daddy was petulantly complaining that I gave the previous week's one to the cousins instead of him.  That, and the tire was overinflated, making it almost unridable, but still, I rode it anyway.

Overnighting it was a slight pain in the ass, but I made it alive.  This work week is easy in terms of assignments but heavy in terms of studying.  Hopefully good things will come.

Also, I got my hands on M.I.A.'s new album and I kind of like a few of the tracks on it.  "Paper Planes" is pretty innovative, especially since she does some crazy things with gun sounds.  I watched her "Bucky Done Gun" video, however, and her dancing is absolutely abysmal.  It most definitely gives Shannon's "I'm a White Girl from Connecticut" imitation a run for its money.

Now, it is time for chicken and didz with Wiebke.  Splendid!

I qualified third in the Regular Division on Cachaca, Dark, Flat, Right.  I screamed at the end of it because it was a painful qualifier.  Considering I got 70+ DP in the qualifier, that says how annoying this modset is on first or second read, considering Cachaca most definitely is not a popular Supernova song.  Nobody AAed the Regular Division qualifier.

I am glad my Boston friends are here because Digital Life would have been a lot messier without them here.  And they win free stuff and act really awesome, which makes me love them even more.

1. It should be sick.
2. Chez is already there! :D
3. Shannon, Nils, and Jess already headed out.
4. I'll be heading towards New York probably on a bus at noon or noon-thirty with Tom Pappas and Veroni from BU.  We're meeting Tom (Macadamia) at South Station, if all goes well.
5. Joe P. and Alex will be driving from Boston between 1-2 PM.
6. There will be a lot of awesome people around, and many pictures wil lbe taken.


7. DOLLAR DUMPLINGS
8. DOLLAR DUMPLINGS
9. DOLLAR DUMPLINGS
10. DOLLAR DUMPLINGS

This weekend was absurd.

Girl Talk (with Simian Mobile Disco, Dan Deacon & White Williams) was on Friday. He's an unbelievable mashup DJ. I got out of class early and went to work to get moenyz, went shopping, drank until I didn't feel anymore, and headed to Girl Talk. Afterwards, Kyle, Ian and I went to Sunset. I was starving because some other guy at 7-Eleven wouldn't sell me a delicious taquito, but some guy paid for my water because he wanted to cut me in line to get a pack of gum, which I think was a good deal.

Lack of the internet actually perked my mood up a bit. This weekend was incredibly productive and fun simultaneously. Got all my physics homework done save the last problem (which involves no math, yay), more than half of my reading done (for Tuesday and Wednesday), and still managed to go out to various places.

We still have no gas, so cooking food is creative and rather unhealthy (Chef Boyardee and Fruity Pebbles, anyone?). Our washer works but the contractors forgot to put a vent in, so our dryer is not set yet. Hopefully, if we keep our fingers crossed, we'll have both gas AND cable AND a washer today. Or any combination will do. Any at all!

I might get my hair cut at a ritzy Newbury salon for uber-cheap as a part of a two-step Japanese grieving process (see: first haircut). I don't really care what they do to it, so maybe this might be a good thing.

Oh, and I still hate Asian people, but they gave me an occasion to smile recently.

And my biggest accomplishment: I am learning how to take up space and sleep in the middle of my queen-sized bed, to the point where I do not like sharing it anymore. GREAT SUCCESS!

Next post: Brookline's Larz Anderson Park, Simian Mobile Disco (my batteries fell out of my camera right before Girl Talk played), my sweet, Julie-fied Allston bedroom, and maybe some other cool things

So Bang Camaro was awesome Thursday night. The crowd, however, was not. With a crapload of freshmen and their super-calculated faux-hipster outfits standing in the front row and not moving at all while the 20+ people on stage were rocking out as if the world were ending tomorrow, it could've potentially been an adrenaline buzzkill. Thank god I was too busy rockin' the hell out to get too pissed.


Tom ended up coming over last night because he is still homeless, so I fed him before I had to pass out in order to get up wicked early in the morning.


Work was kind of bittersweet. It's awesome that I don't have to work anymore, but I'll miss everything. I was also bitten with not-so-nice news that the rest of the store will find out on Tuesday. I was told early because I'm leaving for a week and a half as per my new "Starbucks-twice-a-month" schedule. I also got my review from my manager, which comes with a $0.80 pay raise, including retro pay from August 14th to now. I'm glad my vacation hours didn't register because now, I can take them and have my new raise factored in. I plan on using some of my vacation hours and retro pay to buy a new phone because mine is horrible. HORRIBLE, I SAY.


Today's after-work agenda consisted of buying books, and loads of them. I actually ended up leaving my phone at the bookstore but I had to head back to the bookstore since I had no hands to find or buy my last two books. Science books are heavy, especially once you couple them with binders from Staples and work clothes! I ended up spending a little under $700 in books, which Mom wasn't too happy about. I guess she will be happy once she finds me reading them. And boy, do I have a lot to read already! Hot damn!


I passed out at eight or so last night and woke up at three in the morning to find four of my neighbors from downstairs "locked out" for the second time in three nights (their way of saying, "HAAAYY LET US IN SO WE CAN HANG OUT MMMKAY"). The two floors below us is one seven floor apartment occupied by six guys and one Halo-playing girl who they don't see very often. The guys who came up today were wicked cool, mildly bro-like in nature (nothing wrong with that), and just hella awesome in general. They all just recently graduated, like cheap beer and football, have a gigantic, illuminated fishtank, and are really, really funny. We most definitely did well with our neighbors, that's for sure.


Tomorrow is errands and a lot of homework. It actually should be really fun once I fill out the condition report for my room, take some pictures, and start decorating. Dim sum with Stephie and some of her MIT friends is also on the menu, and I hope it won't reap my wallet too badly. God bless tipshare at Starbucks.


Subsequent locked post with important personal information to follow this one. :)

So it hit me today that I really have no friends here. But wait, it's not necessarily a bad thing!

My first day back on campus I easily recognized a handful of people I've had class with, or lived with, or met through friends, or even were Facebook friends with. But even to this day, all of my good friends have been found through common interests, which is sort of strange when my interests are really, er, unique and not really well-known (or hell, socially accepted). Today was the third day of class, and I realized that I'm just not really social and I'm rather shy. I don't have any friends in my classes and I've never been that kind of girl who ever had a study group with people at BU, ever. I really resented dorm life as a freshman although I made a few good friends out of it, and I never went to parties and met people. The only forced social situations I've let myself get into were ones that Kyle would drag me to, and even that would be with a post-college crowd.

My housemates are awesome but everyone has a life that's going at seven hundred miles an hour, with each rolling in different circles of friends and nursing different priorities. Three of us are BU students on different schedules with completely different majors, and the other two work full time on different schedules as well.

So what I've got left is a small but sturdy group of friends that I care to call and keep in touch with, almost all of them not BU students, most of which are friends with other people. That's all I ever need most of the time, but I guess I'm too social for that to absolutely satiate my social needs. There's always a drive for me to expand my circle of friends, because chance meetings with various people have changed my outlook on life, especially a few people I met or got to know well recently whose presence in my summer made it fun or worthwhile (Kyle, Ryan, Jen, Ethan, Whitney, Corina, etc). Now that it's fall and school's started, I have a lot of alone time for studying and reflecting, which is also good and unscary like it was this summer. I think I feared alone time when I was on my leave of absence from BU because I was afraid that I would lose myself in inactivity, but it's as little different now.

So here I am, heading to a Bang Camaro show alone, kind of wishing I had made more friends on campus before people started moulding and changing into what they ended up to be as upperclassmen. It's weird that I chose the path that I did. I don't regret it, but I wonder if it's too late to change it. Perhaps I don't really want to change it.

Still, it should be pretty fun, since it's freakin' Bang Camaro.

School so far has been great, but exhausting when combined with my last full week of work. I'm off all of next week, which is rather exciting and novel since I haven't had a full week off since February (what gives?!?), and I go to two shifts a month which is AMAZING and will give me enough cash for the occasional weekend trip and for food. I went to Cell Biology and took the most amazing notes, most definitely, and an interesting phenomenon happened two-thirds of the way through -- I was comatose and awake at the same time, listening to the professor but not being able to respond mentally at all, except to retain the information. I think I might have drooled on myself too, but I can't remember it. Oh well.

Today, all my afternoon classes got canceled. Wednesday afternoons are all discussions and labs for me, which is funny because I still went to see if they were running even though NOTHING WAS BEING DISCUSSED SINCE CLASS JUST STARTED (derrrr, I'm stupid).

So far I've run into a lot of people I'm friends or acquaintences with and either got a really surprised look and a "Hiii!" or a really surprised, "Oh wait, do I know that girl?" response. It's great to be back, but it's not great to not be able to swipe into a dorm four times a day and shove some burgers, stir fry, soup and grilled cheese down the hatch. Yesterday I called my mom almost in tears because espresso was eating at my stomach and I left my celery sticks at home. Today, Jimmy brought four cups of Lobster Bisque for all the people at my work and the partners were just not having it, so I have some left over in my backpack.

My room is starting to shape up. There's a void against my wall where my futon will be, which will be nice because it should be able to fit with a little room left over for anyone who wants to stay over at any given time. My room is probably the same size as my room in Hillsborough, maybe a little smaller, but it has my queen-sized mattress in it and a desk as well, making for fun design obstacles as I was arranging my room. Almost everything I own in terms of furniture was a hand-me-down from a previous roommate who didn't want it save my desk and futon (Shannon's bed, the TV stand turned bookcase, Amanda's dresser, and Jill's TV) but I've managed to fit everything in my room and closet perfectly. The kitchen also suffered through a rampant midnight cleaning spree by me last night, to the surprise and delight of the other roommates. I'm also glad that my room is the only one with privacy. Jill's and Natalie and Amanda's rooms are connected by a deck and both those rooms and Shannons share the same hallway, while mine is on the other side by the kitchen and living room, so I can blast all the freakin' DJ Taka I want at 2 AM and the walls can more or less drown out the BOOMBOOMBOOM of One More Lovely. It's truly amazing.

Oh, all y'all from Jersey should come visit. I'm fun, and there's tons of things to do in Boston in the fall.

I've also done a lot of shopping, as well. On Monday I bought bedding and other stuff at Target in Watertown. I also stopped by Tokyo Kid in Harvard Square and to my awesome happiness they carried a plush Atashi keychain (the philosophical, wandering children's book character from Chobits), which I bought under the rationale that I need to make my keychain as conspicuous as possible to prevent a repeat of the hypothetical situation where I leave my keychain with mini-debit card on the counter of the 15-minute internet kiosks at the Boston Public Library with tons of homeless people lurking around. PURELY HYPOTHETICAL HERE. Also, I bought monkey key toppers at Newbury Comics, so I can tell in the dark which key means what and distinguish from the keys with the same head that mean different things in different states thanks to people using the same base at Home Depot. On Tuesday, I went to Radio Shack after a commercial told me they were selling a 2 GB SanDisk Micro Cruzer for $19.99 (and they were! Gadzooks!). That's like, five or six dollars cheaper than everyone else carrying the same model. I also added a 256MB XD card to that purchase, which mom approved of since I have to take Apartment Condition form pictures for supporting evidence that yes, we did not put industrial caulking on my windows for shits and giggles. After my nap, Mike, Shannon and I went out to Walmart (yes, I know, I know) where I bought more toiletries, cleaning supplies, and 90-degree brackets to hold up shelves. I plan on making one so I can elevate Jill's TV and have more desk space. When I go home, I might quite possibly steal my PS2 as a DVD player as well and make a shelf for that too, which is really a great idea because PS2 controllers can reach my desk, futon and bed from the TV spot. INGENIUS! I am so psyched for everything that is happening. Ever.

So, my upcoming plans are as follows. Thursday is class until 5:30 and then I'm heading over to the GSU to line up for a good spot to see Bang Camaro, playing for free with a student ID at BU Central (any Terriers game for this? Everyone I've told about this hasn't even heard of them, whereas I've been like, OMG BANG CAMAROOO D:). Friday is class until 10 or 11 AM, then errands and studying until late. Hopefully there won't be much to read so I can enjoy how beautiful this weekend will be. Seriously. So nice this weekend. Sit tight for it. There was talk about dim sum on Saturday with Stephie, too. Ohhh, man.

What's there not to love about life now? Absolutely nothing. Okay, maybe the lack of a computer thing, but I have access to 111 Cummington now and once I have a bike, 3 AM trips to the computer lab will be possible and almost probable!

I'm about 99% sure that Physics lab is cancelled since discussion was cancelled today, so I'm going to call Tom and see if I can con him into getting dinner with me, and perhaps do tons of errands like BUY MY BOOKS WTF WHY ARE THEY SO EXPENSIVE D:

These last few days have been nothing short of amazing. This week has definitely satisfied the feeling of the last hurrah of summer, no doubt.

After last week being an ultimate disappointment on all levels, everything started looking up a bit. I had a lot of downtime and late shifts, although 10 AM isn't really late for the average person. I'm making plans for lunch with Jenni, and I never have to work at Faneuil again if I don't want to. Yay!


I'm officially a BU student again and sometime on Monday I'll have to mosey on over to campus to get my codes and buy my books, probably with Shanny in tow.


Also on Monday, I've comissioned Shanny's Mike to help me move my big stuff to the new house. As of today, I'm officially an Allston resident, and I legally live somewhere! How novel.


I kind of need a bike. And I'm going to start reaping the benefits of FitRec, BU's multi-million dollar gym complete with a lazy river (!!!!) and more. Although I might just start running along the Charles River Esplanade and Mass Ave bridge, with MIT being my final destination, methinks. With Digital Life coming up and me using every opportunity to use my transit pass to take the bus across the river, I've most definitely am feeling fat... and sassy.

Tomorrow there's a lot to do! Still not sure how to decorate my room yet. D: